When Change Doesn’t Change

We’ve all heard it before in our relationships “I’ll change” or “Give me a chance to change” or even “I’ll prove it to you I’ve changed, just give me a chance.” This always amazes me when I hear about couples who have a significant other that say things like this to them. Or, even when they themselves tell me they’ll change for their partner. My answer is usually “Really?” IS it fair to expect your partner to change for you? I don’t believe so. There are things we can modify like our lack of ability to take out the garbage. When it comes right down to who we are as a person, I don’t believe it’s a good idea we “change”.

Why would we “change” anyway? Sure, we can grow and we can learn from our mistakes. That’s part of growing up. But what is not part of growing up is having to prove yourself to your mate that you’re a changed person. Why would I want the person I love to change? To me that makes no sense. If you have to change to be with me, then I don’t want to be with you and visa versa.

People grow in different directions in life, some forward, some backwards and some … well, they think they’re growing but really they’re not. They may “think” they’re growing because something they’ve done shows maturity but within their hearts they are neutral. To me, that’s not growing that’s waiting until something else comes along to enlighten you.

I tried to change not too long ago. Although, I welcomed the change I now know it was temporary. Too bad too, because the person I was becoming was the same person I always wanted to be. Now, the change and the growing I’m doing is something I had a true benchmark for — once …but only once.

So, when change doesn’t really change you need to ask yourself, “Why, would I want the other person to change?” If I don’t love then for who they are wholeheartedly, then I shouldn’t be with this person. That in itself lies the change.

Until Next Time,

Nikki
7/02/10

PS. feel free to leave me a comment as comments do not get posted automatically unless I approve them. Please let me know in your response if it’s okay to post your reply.

2 thoughts on “When Change Doesn’t Change

  1. Dear Anonymous,

    You said “That is why I can't understand why every woman I know is with a guy that they feel is imperfect and a challenge to change into the perfect guy” You also said most of them are in their 20's. Take under consideration the age of twenty. Usually people in this age group 20-30 are in a state of creating (in this case, creating the “perfect” guy.) Being in your 20's is a fun age. It's an age to explore and set yourself up for where you want to be when you're 30 or so.

    I don't think you're single because of other people's behaviors, but merely because of your own. When people tell me that they are single because of other people, I have to ask “When do YOU become the “other” people…other people talk about?”

    Thanks for your comment.
    Nikki

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  2. Nikki
    I agree with you that you should not want nor expect your significant other to change. As you said you can train someone to modify their behavior (like putting dirty socks in the hamper), but their underlying personality remains the same.

    That is why I can't understand why every woman I know is with a guy that they feel is imperfect and a challenge to change into the perfect guy. Yes most of these women are younger. I am in my early 40's they are mostly in there 20's, but I see it all across the board at all ages.

    If she doesn't love me for who I am then I don't want to be with her. Maybe that's why I am single.

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