For the life of me I couldn’t understand why it’s been so hard to let go of my recent break up. What was it or IS it that just keeps me holding on? Why couldn’t I just let it go like I did my past relationships? What was so different about THIS one from the others? We weren’t together that long, 6 months maybe and the last 3 probably is when it all started to end…but I kept holding on.
As I was driving tonight I thought deeply and honestly about my current feelings, the feelings I felt in the past for him and my feelings going forward for him. One thing occured to me with my thoughts. There was a pattern of my thoughts. I’m not going to sit here and tell you the relationship was amazing, because it wasn’t. I THOUGHT it was amazing because of the nice times we had together, but they were few and far in between. When the not so happy times happened in the relationship I was looking for him to repay his emotional debt to me. The feelings I was feeling in the relationship were mostly alone and bewildered. But I kept holding on.
Why? When things went well, I felt like I wanted to repay him emotionally. When things went badly, I felt he had to repay me emotionally. Neither of which ever happened. My emotional bank account was more in the negative than the positive. I continued the relationship thinking he “owed” me since I put with a lot of stuff. Keep in mind this was not a conscious thought process I had. I didn’t know this was what I was doing until I looked back on the relationship and realized it.
Towards the end of the relationship when he wanted to break things off with me, my ego was hurt. In my mind, I was saying “how can you leave me, you still owe me”. When we continue to hold on to something it’s usually because we feel the other person owes us something and they haven’t finished paying their debt to us. This is exactly what happened to me. Then, I realized, it just hit me while I was driving. The only thing he ever had to do was let me go and he did just that. That was his only debt he ever need to repay…and he did just that.
Realizing all of this has enabled my emotional bank account to become somewhat balanced. At least now I know why I was holding on. It had nothing to do with him.
Until Next Time,